If the person may be overdosing, has talked about suicide, or anyone is in danger, do not wait for the right moment. Call 911, or call or text 988.
Before you talk
- Pick a calm time. Choose a moment when they are sober, and when neither of you is angry, rushed or tired.
- Pick a private place. Somewhere quiet, without an audience.
- Know what you want to ask for. Choose one small, clear step, like seeing a doctor, calling a program together, or talking to a counselor once.
- Have help ready. Find two or three programs and their phone numbers first, so you can act if they say yes. You can browse by state or ask the concierge.
- Take care of yourself too. This is hard. Support for families can help, whatever the person decides.
Three ways to start
You do not need a speech. Start with care, say what you have seen, and offer help. For example:
- "I love you, and I have been worried about you. Can we talk?"
- "I noticed you missed work twice this month, and you have seemed really down. I am worried about you."
- "What would help right now? I can make some calls with you, or sit with you while you call."
Then stop and listen. Let them answer, even if the answer is hard to hear.
What tends to help
- Listen more than you talk, without judging.
- Use "I" statements, like "I feel scared when..." instead of "You always..."
- Name specific things you have seen, not labels like "addict" or "alcoholic."
- Offer real help, like a ride, a call made together, or help with a child or a pet during treatment.
- Stay calm if they get upset. You can say, "Let's take a break and talk later."
- Expect more than one talk. It often takes many conversations before someone gets help.
What tends to backfire
- Talking while they are drunk or high
- Yelling, blaming or lecturing
- Threats you will not follow through on
- Surprising them with a group of people to confront them
- Bringing up every past problem at once
Why calm beats an ultimatum
In a well known study published in 1999, 130 family members and friends of people with drinking problems were each taught one of three approaches. Families trained in a method called CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) used calm, positive ways to encourage change at home. About 64% of them helped their loved one start treatment. That compared with about 30% for families who prepared a confrontational group meeting, and 13% for families who were guided to Al-Anon.
CRAFT is taught by trained counselors. Ask a program or the free SAMHSA National Helpline, 1-800-662-4357, whether family counseling like CRAFT is available near you.
If they say no
- Stay connected. Keep the door open, and let them know you will help when they are ready.
- Set limits you will keep, like not giving money or not covering for missed work.
- If they use opioids, keep naloxone (Narcan) at home and learn how to use it. See our guide to medications and naloxone.
- If they drink heavily or take benzodiazepines, they should not stop suddenly without medical advice. Withdrawal can be dangerous.
- Get support for yourself. Family groups such as Al-Anon and Nar-Anon are free.
- Try again later. A no today is not a no forever.
If they say yes
- Act the same day if you can. Call programs together.
- Use our twelve questions to ask a program.
- Have the insurance card ready. Our guide to paying for treatment explains what to ask.
- If no one answers, call the free SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357. It is open 24/7.
If the person is a teen
Stay calm and keep talking. Talk with their doctor or school counselor, who can help with next steps. When you look for programs, check that they serve adolescents. On state pages, you can filter by who a program serves.